Saturday, March 12, 2005

Sing it again, John

Jete's the best. Sometimes he tries my patience and does weird boy things, but most of the time, he's just a great guy. I have nothing to complain about.

(Of course, I will complain sometimes anyway. Don't be surprised when I do.)

I've been getting kind of down about Ethan's surgery. When we heard for sure he had to have it, we were able to say "Ok" and just kind of go on with our business. It was before Christmas, so we knew it would be a while before it came up. Then they scheduled it, three months down the road, for March. That was months away. Why worry three months ahead of time?

Yes, I know. It's called denial.

So now that it is less than two weeks away, and I am super PMSing, it is becoming more real. I've been doing research on the internet, a baaaaad bad thing to do when you are a worry-wort anxiety-prone type person. So I've been sad and worried for him. And just all-around bummed. Why does he have to go through all this? Why does he have to suffer? He is just the happiest most easygoing boy you could ever meet. He asks nothing from anyone except love. It just doesn't seem fair.

Tonight I was kind of getting upset, trying to make plans for our next few weeks. Jete asked me if I was upset about Ethan. I said yeah, and tried to not cry. Again. I tend to do that a lot. It gets annoying after a while.

He told me he's been getting emotional too. I snapped my head around from the window I was looking out.

"You have? When?"

"At work."

"At work? Huh?"

"At lunch, I usually sit in the truck and listen to music. I've been listening to John Mayer, and that song that reminds us of Ethan, and it's been getting me a little choked up."

John Mayer. I love him. In some ways I feel like I shouldn't. Like he's too uncool. Or too cool. Or too Dave Matthews. Or too cocky. Or whatever. But I don't care. I love him anyway.

The song that reminds us both about Ethan is "Bigger Than My Body". It's obviously not about a 3 year old with Cerebral Palsy, but still. If you think about Ethan when you listen to it, it is so him. It's hard to explain, but I thought I'd post some lyrics here so you could see what we mean....

Bigger Than My Body
by John Mayer

This is a call to the colorblind
This is an IOU
I'm stranded behind the horizon line
Tied up in something true

Yes I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by all this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting for my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return

Yes I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by all this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting for my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for.

You get the idea. You look at Ethan, and you can feel this wonderful sense of .... lost potential. His body is his prison, trapping the person he could have been. It is just barely holding back this tremendous spirit. It escapes sometimes. You can just feel it.

So I think... If Ethan could sing, he would sing something like this. But for now, John can sing it for him.