Friday, June 10, 2005

Deep Rest

I have been so sad lately. I think I'm mildly depressed.

I can't pinpoint why exactly. And then I get really mad at myself. I have no good reason to be sad! The boys are doing well. They are healthy and happy. Ethan is slowly nearing the complete removal of his cast. CG is developing ahead of the curve. Jete is as great as ever. Work is fine. Our house is starting to come together.

But I dwell way too much. I can't stop thinking. All day long, my mind wanders and I start getting sad again.

My sister is a teacher, and told me the other night about a mother from her school who died last week. It was sudden, a pulmonary embolism. She was 34. She has 6 kids. The youngest is only two weeks old.

I didn't know this woman, or her kids. But I keep thinking about it. It breaks my heart. That baby will never know its mother. Those children needed her. Their lives will never be the same. Losing your mother is something you never truly get over.

And then of course, the hypochondriac in me says "What about me? If this woman was so seemingly healthy, what the hell keeps me alive?" Now, in addition to the heart attack I'm sure will strike any moment, I twinge at every muscle ache. I'm sure it's a blood clot traveling to my chest to kill me.

I don't want to think this way. I know better. But still I do it.

Then the news gets me down too. Just this week I've read stories like this. I started crying at my desk when I read it. I could picture her mother, frantically trying to stop her from running out into the road. And the girl, so eager, so desparate to help an animal.

It seems like such a waste. Life just doesn't make any sense sometimes.

I need to get out of my funk. I know I need to exercise more - or at all. I will feel better if I do. When I move around, I'm not as scared at how out-of-shape and near death I am. I just can't seem to do it. Every time I want to work out, I can't. And every time I can, I don't want to. Something's got to change.

There is a weight on my chest. It's purely emotional, that ache you get right before you start crying. Yet it feels so phsyical. I can't get rid of it. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears. Or like I NEED to burst into tears, if that makes any sense. I need to purge the bad feelings and move on with things.

Anyway, I'm trying to reverse my attitude. Even just writing about it has helped a bit. I get inside myself too much. The more I internalize everything that gets me down, the worse I feel. It starts to eat me alive.

I'm going away this weekend, to visit E in Boston. I want to have a great time. I will have a great time. We've got big plans to see the town and eat great food and meet interesting people and stay in a 4 star hotel. Nothing ahead but fun and adventure.

I will not let life get me down. It is so short, I just want to LIVE and enjoy every minute of it.

See, now I want to cry again. But good tears. "Life-is-so-rich-I-can't-stand-it" tears.

I'm such a girl.

1 comment:

small bus to hell said...

Girl, you don't even know! It's going to be awesome! We're going to have a good time, I promise.

(And now I have totally jinxed myself and will trip and fall and break an ankle. But you can bet it will be an AWESOME fall!)