Monday, June 06, 2005

I Will

I'm not sure how many of you there are out there. I check my visits, and I'm shocked to see more hits than I'd expected. From friends I know and strangers I don't. In California. Canada. Denmark. I wonder how you got here. And more importantly, what brings you back.

For any of you wondering... yes, I'll get to the next part of Ethan's saga. Soon. I'm just having more trouble getting it into words as I get deeper into it.

Partly, it's because life is crazy right now. Every weekend for the next two months is booked. Weeknights are all about the boys. CG has decided not to nap anymore. Ethan has starts twice a week physical therapy today. Plus regular trips to Boston for follow-ups.

Partly, it's because I almost feel like I'm reliving the experience as I write the words. And it hurts all over again. So I practice my favorite coping skill - avoidance. Procrastination always appears when I am stressed. (Hey, don't knock it. It got me through college with a 3.9 GPA.)

Mostly, it's because so much happened so fast, I can't even put it into words. And I can't remember the sequence, just a blur of news and tests and emotions. But I want it to make sense. To me, and to anyone else who cares to read.

One of my reasons for starting to write about this is so I don't forget. I've already lost so much to a poor memory, and I don't want to lose any more. I've been going back to his medical records, pictures we took, asking people what they remember. But with my long-windedness and just the sheer amount of STUFF that happened, it's taking a little time.

But I will finish. Eventually.

In the meantime, I may intersperse heavy stories from Ethan's NICU stay with my trip to visit E in Boston next weekend. Or details of cold-hearted doctors with something funny I heard at work.

Because as much as it seemed like Ethan's first few years were the end of the world, they weren't. It was hard, and it hurt a lot. Some days, it still does. But it is almost 4 years later. And our lives are back in balance. We go to doctors' appointments and birthday parties. We buy splints for Ethan and CG's first pair of shoes. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Life does go on.

This weekend, Jete's aunt and uncle renewed their wedding vows. It was the day after Jete and I had a huge fight over nothing, so it seemed odd timing. But as I sat in the church and listened to them repeat the vows, I couldn't help but think about us.

"In good times, and in bad.
In sickness and in health.
In joy, and in sorrow."

In our five short years of marriage, we've already challenged most of those vows. We knew we'd go through the ups and downs over time. We just didn't think they'd come so damn fast.

But I can't deny that I've had as many good times as bad. That, as hard as it gets, my life is filled with more joy than I feel I deserve sometimes. So there's no reason I can't write about both sides of life. The bad, and the good.

And once I get over that procrastination thing, I think I will.


Anonymous said...

De-lurking from Chicago. I found you through another blog recently, but don't remember which one. You had just posted Ethan Part 3 and I couldn't stop reading. Your writing is so touching that it easily conjours up emotions. Hope to see pics of your little sweeties. Thank you for bringing us a part of your world.

Anonymous said...

De-lurking from Montreal, Canada. I, too, found your site from another blog last week, and started reading Ethan's story. I couldn't stop, and now I check back all the time for the next installment. I appreciate the honesty with which you write, and I look forward to continuing to read about Ethan and non-Ethan stories! Thanks!

Talia Devane said...

You mentioned in the comments of another blog that you were chronicling your experience with the NICU and pre-e. Since I had a 32 week preemie due to the same thing, I came to read and compare.