Sunday, July 31, 2005

Random Notes to Wedding Guests Everywhere

  • You will never out-pretty a size zero blonde bride. Don't waste your time trying.

  • White dresses with giant black flowers on them look like cow hide from five feet away.

  • Lime green dresses with giant hot pink flowers on them will make people ask "Is that a watermelon dress?"

  • Flip-flops may be a questionable choice in footwear, unless they have sequins on them. (Sorry CS!)

  • Rich, white, skinny girls have lots of rich, white, skinny friends. Expect to feel ugly no matter how you look.

  • You can try all the fancy sundried-tomato quiche and lobster cobbler you want, but the pigs in a blanket are always a sure bet.

  • If the best man starts his speech by talking about hockey, prepare to be bored.

  • If you want to take pictures of how fancy you look, do it before you get food stains, drunken eyes, or sweaty hair.

  • I don't care how skinny you are; if you wear a short baby doll dress to a wedding, you're going to look like a pregnant slut.

  • Never leave your food unless you are done eating it. The table will be cleared by the time you come back.

  • Don't worry about crying in the bathroom. There is always at least one other person doing the same thing.

  • A flower girl dress is made for twirling.

  • When the DJ plays Ice Ice Baby, it's time to head home.