today in history

fifteen years ago today, I was listening to Blood Money on cassette while writing in my journal. I wrote about my day at high school. We had an hour delay because of an ice storm. I had an English midterm that I was sure I failed (I didn't). I was starting to like a boy named Joe, who didn't even know I existed.

nine years ago today, I hung out with Jete until the wee hours of the morning. I was confused about my growing feelings for him and the fate of our friendship. I wrote in my journal: "I feel constantly excited, yet completely terrified. I have never been so scared about something I wanted so much. Every day is a wonderful mystery."

five years ago today, I contacted our photographer to see if our wedding album was ready yet. I emailed my mom to say that I was miserable at my job and was considering applying at another company. But even so, I was hesitant to make any major changes until our house-hunt was successful.

***

four years and 12 hours ago today, I drove myself to the hospital for my first non-stress test. I'd been on bedrest for a month, and I hadn't gotten off the couch in ages. It felt nice to be upright for a while.

four years and 11 hours ago today, I was told Ethan was in distress and I'd need emergency surgery.

four years and 10 hours ago today, I was strapped to an operating table. As they put me to sleep, they assured me that everything would be okay.

four years and 8 hours ago today, I woke up to hear that everything was not, in fact, okay.

four years and 10 minutes ago today, we saw Ethan for the first time.

***

three years ago today, I scheduled a "sick visit" with my doctor. Through tears, I told her I was sure I was dying. That, during my trips to the hospital, they diagnosed panic attacks, but I knew that I was really having a heart attack. That I had hypertension; that's what Dr. F told me, so my blood pressure must be through the roof. She checked my blood pressure and said it was normal. She gave me an EKG and said it was normal. I left with Paxil (which actually made things worse for me) and the names of local psychologists. And the tiniest glimmer of relief. I was okay. For now.

two years ago today, I was just starting to feel normal again, although a changed version of my old self. I decided to have a "me" day. I went out and got my hair cut the shortest it had been in ten years. I went shopping. I was 6 months pregnant and terrified that everything would happen all over again. But I was starting to let myself be a little hopeful. Maybe, this time, things would be different.

one year ago today, I let my boss know I'd be out of work two days that week for Ethan's appointments. I emailed a friend and told her that they'd be scheduling his surgery in a few days. I was worried for him, but anxious to get it over with and move on to the next step.

***

today, I let my boss know I'd be out of work this week for one of Ethan's appointments. We'll be meeting with the surgeon to discuss his next surgery. Jete and I discussed plans for Ethan's birthday party this weekend. We ate English muffin pizzas. Jete taught CG how to brush his teeth.

***

Day to day, things don't seem to change that much, but in terms of a year, five years, fifteen years, life gets completely turned around. In the past four years students have started and graduated high school. Movies were written, filmed, and debuted. Marriages began and ended. People were born and died. A lifetime. Ethan's lifetime.

Four years.

***

today, I'm ready to see what the next four years will bring.