At Least 14 is Only a Product of Primes

Soooooo, the dreaded Valentine's day is coming up, or as E and I call it, VD day.

Now some of you may be thinking, "But you have a partner. You should love Valentine's day!" But some of you? Would be wrong.

As I think I've made abundantly clear, I love Love. I do. I love sappy movies. I sing along with every love song I can find on the radio. I cry every time I see that "Life" commercial from Chase credit cards.

But Valentine's day is not about Love. It's a holiday designed to depress people. I believe it's a conspiracy among the greeting card, jewelry, and grocery stores out there. They get half of the people to shell out tons of money to buy guilt-induced gifts, and the other half to buy chocolate and tubs of ice cream to eat on the couch out of depression.

Married or not, my history with VD day has been nearly all bad. Pre-Jete, they were lonely. I watched the OTHER girls get roses delivered, or talk about their romantic plans. My first VD day with Jete was supposed to be our first official date - until I got nervous and cancelled it. For several years after, every VD day ended in a fight, mainly driven by ridiculous expectations we both had about how each of us were "supposed" to behave.

Finally, the two of us gave up (okay, I gave up) on the ideals society had been forcing. Why do we have to be romantic on this random day of the year? In the middle of one of the coldest, darkest months? When our heating bill is soaring and everyone's got a cold and we just aren't feeling like being lovey-dovey?

So we aren't. We're romantic if and when the urge strikes. He cleans off my car when it snows. I buy him those muffins he likes. We show our love on our own terms. And because it isn't dictated by the calendar, it means so much more.

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In honor of February 14th, and to distract you from the hype, I bring you a list. Enjoy!

The 14 Things I Hate the Most About VD Day

1. Listening to people butcher the name: "Don't forget, next Tuesday is ValenTIMES day!"
2. An overwhelming supply of chocolate. Because I am, in all seriousness, a chocoholic. I can't just have "one" Hershey kiss. I have to have 20. And these days, they're everywhere.
3. Cinnamon red-hot hearts. I know, I know. People love them. I just don't see it. YUCK. Why not just stab your tongue repeatedly with a tiny needle?
4. Conversation hearts. Okay, these aren't as bad tasting as the red-hots. But the "conversation" part is beyond corny: I'm Sure, Be My Icon, ILU. Now they're trying to be modern with ones like Fax Me and Page Me. Maybe "Bite Me" will be available next year.
5. Seeing pepto-bismol pink everywhere I look.
6. Being asked 73 THOUSAND times: "So what are your big plans for Valentimes day?". As if I'm getting the day off of work or something.
7. Kids' valentines. I hated VD day even in grade school. The dreaded fear that someone wouldn't give me one. Choosing just the right Garfield valentine that told my secret crush "I think you're neat!", just to have him throw it away.
8. The envelopes those Garfield valentines came with. The cards never fit right, and there was never enough glue to actually seal the envelope.
9. Those ridiculous greeting cards that are two feet high. Why? WHY would you buy someone a greeting card that couldn't even fit in a drawer?
10. The recent pushing of this movie as the "romantic" film to buy or rent this holiday season.
11. The pressure to propose. If you're dating but unmarried, you know what I mean. When Valentine's day rolls around, everyone expects a ring. (And no offense to anyone who does, but Valentine's day is the least original day to propose in the first place.)
12. Red roses. I loathe red roses. I think they're the biggest cliche going. If you're going to send me flowers, at least put a little thought into it.
13. A dozen red roses that cost $100. They're just flowers, people. In two weeks, they'll be back down to $19.99.
14. Those horrible diamond commercials. "Every kiss begins with Kay..." As if the only way to show your love is to spend more money than you can afford on an overpriced piece of jewelry that she probably doesn't even want. Despite the myth, most women aren't golddiggers. Really.