Saturday, March 25, 2006

Mommy Math

Math-haters around the world are constantly asking the question, "When am I going to use this stuff in Real Life?"

Today, I realized my calling. I am going to develop a program that proves once and for all that those years of math do come in handy. Especially when dealing with two-year-olds.

Lessons will include:

Conversions and Units of Measurement

(1) 2 in² saltine cracker = 200 ft² of crumbs when crushed into carpet

(1) 30 minute DVD = 3 minutes of distracted toddler time

Pre-Algebra

Where T = Toddler:

  • T + 1 toy = 3.17 seconds of undivided attention
  • T - 1 toy = 317 minute temper tantrum
  • T * 2 = 317 toys on the floor
  • 2T / 2 = 317 toys on the floor and no one to play with
Algebra

Q: A child, CG, has a cold. He sneezes, drools, and licks objects at a rate of 7 objects per second. His parents must stay no less than one (1) foot away from him at all times to prevent him from infecting his brother. How long will it be before his parents have contracted the cold?

A: Distance = Rate * Time. Therefore his parents will be infected almost instantaneously.

Geometry

Q: What is the shortest distance between two points: CG and B?

A: A straight line. Even if a table, couch, or locked door is in the way. The only exception to this rule is when point B stands for either a Bath or Bedtime. In that case, CG and B actually represent parallel lines, as they will never converge.

Probability and Statistics

Q: Room (R) has 24 electrical outlets. 23 of these outlets have child safety covers, while 1 outlet (O) is missing its cover. Outlet (O) is located behind a heavy piece of furniture and only 2% of it is visible.

What is the probability (p) that child (CG) will find outlet (O) and try to stick a foreign object in it?

A: p(CG -> O) = 100%

Sums of Infinite Series

Σ (Parent1 + Parent2 + Child1 + Child2) = ∞ Love

4 comments:

erica said...

Ok, all that math made my head hurt. I need an aspirin.
And really, if you ever want to convince me NOT to have children, this would be the way to do it. :)

Mete said...

You know, you may be on to something. Combining math and stories about kids could be the solution to birth control problems around the world. No medical intervention or side effects necessary!

Rodney Blevins said...

I love that one about the outlet. My daughter is only 8 months old, just learned how to crawl, and the first thing she went for? That's right, the wall outlets.

She also has this thing for remote controls. I was trying to give her her bottle the other day, and had to hide the remote control so she would stop trying to get it, settle down and drink.

Definitely a little geek in the making.

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