Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Things Left Unsaid

First: Ethan is fine. That boy is a wonder. He sails through surgeries and medical procedures and keeps on smiling. He frequently inspires me to stop being so damn whiny and mopey. But he isn't ready for his canonization yet as far as I can tell, because he's nowhere close to completing that miracle.

But, yes. He's doing well. Thank you for asking.

Oddly enough, the worst part of the whole surgery ordeal was our hotel. It's a long, rambling story - especially the way I tell it - so I'll leave it at this for now: I never lodge formal complaints about bad service, never-ever-ever, and yet I've written a three-page letter to the manager. I'm sure I'll bore you with all the gory details eventually. But for now, I'm tired.

I feel like I've been tired for more than half of this past year. And for much of this time, I've been hiding it. I'm tired of being tired. And I'm tired of hiding it. I'm tired of pretending I'm fine all the time so I don't have to explain the things left unsaid.

When I wrote this post, after much debating, I took something out of my first draft. The original last line of that entry was: "Wednesday morning, I got my period." I took it out because, eww, gross, telling random strangers about your period? Why would they want to hear that?

But yet I hated taking it out. I felt it was important to the story. For four weeks, I was on a hormonal rollercoaster. Exactly four weeks after the D&E, I suddenly felt human again, and four weeks and one day after, I started my period. In my opinion, that sentence was key to everything else. It explains why I found solid ground, seemingly out of nowhere.

When I wrote this post, I was leaving something out. I didn't mention that, not only was it eight weeks after my D&E, it was nearly four weeks since my period. More importantly, my cycles are normally shorter than four weeks. If my cycles were back to their usual length and routine already, I was already a day late for my period.

But I ignored it. I focused on the miscarriage and my recovery from it, and pretended I wasn't wondering at all about the symptoms I had been having. Even though they were constantly on my mind.

And when I wrote this post, I talked about Ethan's surgery and my recent busy-ness. I mentioned my recent fatigue, but didn't explain it. Just left it out there as an excuse for my sudden drop off the face of the earth.

Until now.

I'm tired because I'm pregnant again.

No, we didn't plan for this to happen so soon. My doctor recommended three months after the D&E before we tried again. But we weren't "trying". I wasn't sure how long it would be before I'd be ready - emotionally, mentally, physically - to try again. "Trying" was the last thing on my mind. This pregnancy, like my first two, was a surprise.

I know with that statement I have just moved into the category of Annoying Girl Who Has Multiple OOPS Pregnancies And Brags About It, even though bragging is the last thing I'm trying to do. I'm almost ashamed by our freakish fertility. I have followed stories of women struggling with infertility, online and in real life. I know how painful it can be to watch others try and get pregnant easily, never mind being caught by a surprise pregnancy. Never mind being caught by a surprise pregnancy, THREE TIMES.

(I don't say "pregnant by accident", because none of my children were accidents. We wanted them, and welcomed them, even if they caught us off guard.)

But yes, I'm pregnant. I'm not holding my breath that anything will come of it, but there it is. It's something that has been going on in my life that I've left unsaid, even though it's affecting everything else. I have no focus at work. I'm exhausted. I have no energy to do anything at all. I barely muster up enough energy to read other blogs, never mind write in my own. This post alone took three days to finish.

I have a lot of feelings about this pregnancy, good and bad, and I'd like to get them all out of my head eventually. I'm about 9 weeks now, and hope to get out of the first trimester exhaustion soon. Between the last pregnancy, the in-between hormone shifts and this new one, I feel like I've been in the first trimester for six months now. It's getting old.

There has been very little joy surrounding this pregnancy so far. The reaction of most of our family and friends was something like: "OH." I can't blame them, since it was pretty close to our own reaction. No one wants to get too attached just yet. I think our family is afraid to get our hopes up by showing any excitement.

I had an early ultrasound, at only five weeks. There was a properly sized sak and - as expected - no heartbeat yet. But even seeing a heartbeat would have been no consolation to me. I've seen one before and it didn't mean a damn thing.

My symptoms so far have been a constant mild nausea, supreme bitchiness, and fatigue. Also, a mild depression that won't seem to lift. It's been a rough few weeks. There has been more than one moment when I thought, "If it doesn't work this time, I give up. I don't think I can go through this again."

But I'm trying not to think about that too heavily right now. I'm just trying to get through today. Then tomorrow. We'll see what happens after that.

This morning, I have my first official prenatal appointment. I'm sure it will be very similar to the LAST first official prenatal appointment I had - talk about the treatment plan, maybe schedule some additional ultrasounds. Poke and grope and measure. All the usual fun stuff.

And then, tomorrow, we go back to Boston for Ethan's post-surgery follow-up. We're registering him for school the day after that. CG starts daycare next Monday. And on, and on, and on.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It's been a hard year, and was a stressful Thanksgiving, but deep down, I knew I had a lot to be thankful for. Even if I left most of it unsaid.


Mary said...

I've been reading your blog for a couple of months now, you have been through more these past few years than most people have in their whole lives. I will be crossing my fingers for you! Congratulations!

Anonymous said...

Yes, Congratulations! My heart breaks for you and the pain you are in, but I hope you can find some joy in this pregancy and shake off some of the depression you are experiencing. I understand you not wanting to get your hopes up and I know that I'd probably feel the same in your shoes. Your husband seems like a very kind and loving man and I hope you both have the opportunity to relax and enjoy your little family soon. I can't imagine that anyone reading your blog does not want to give you hug and tell you that it is okay to be scared and to cry and that it is okay to be happy and even excited about this baby. Take care of yourself - honestly, it is okay to put your needs first sometimes.

lisa said...

Congratulations! Fingers crossed that things work out. I know it must be difficult to summon excitement but I really hope the fatigue lift soon and you can begin to enjoy things.

Julie said...

I'm almost ashamed by our freakish fertility. I have followed stories of women struggling with infertility, online and in real life. I know how painful it can be to watch others try and get pregnant easily, never mind being caught by a surprise pregnancy.

I hesitate to say this because it reveals something unpleasant about me, the fact that I do sort of keep score, but:

You get a pass.

Lordy, girl, you've been through the mill. And you've shown only warmth and kindness toward those of us still trying. So you get a pass.

(hFor what that's worth.)

Lynanne said...

I can empathize with you. I'm pregnant a fourth time. I have a hard time talking about it also. I'm also a member of the super fertile, "oops" group. I've never lost a pregnancy though.

I have two children with special needs, one more serious than the other (though mainly behavioral/ autism). I'm about 19 weeks into my pregnancy and just now starting to get out of the hormonal funk. It took me a long time to even feel the slightest bit of excitement. I still wonder if I truly feel it.

Sorry to ramble...this isn't about me. What I'm trying to say is that all your feelings are completely normal. Don't expect yourself to feel a certain way because it's what you "should" feel.

Oh, and don't be afraid to post details of what you are going through. Having a blog is as much about documenting your own personal journey as it is about the people reading. It can be very therapeutic to write without fear of what others might think. When I read other people’s blogs, I appreciate this honesty. It helps me draw strength for my own situation. Suddenly, I don’t feel so alone in how I feel.

Whew that was long...I'll go back to lurking now :)


Shana said...

Hi, I am a lurker stepping forward to say Congrats to you and you family. And share a bit about my story.

Here is my condensed story. My hubby and I also have “freakish fertility“. We have never had to "try". It just happens. And what a blessing they are. We have three boys ages 7-4-1. And I too suffered a miscarriage. Mine was 6 years ago. My oldest son was only 1 1/2. We were expecting triplets. Yeah, three... And remember no “trying”! I know the pain you feel, I too was a mess while pregnant with my last two. But I was able to carry them to term.

Your new pregnancy and you are in my prayers.

That Girl said...

Congrats. You dont ever have to feel happy about this pregnancy (or guilty for not feeling happy). Emotional distance is the way humans try to protect themselves from loss, as natural as every other emotion.
And just because you are not excited or happy doesnt mean anything about how you will feel about your born baby.
I wish you all the best!

cluelesscarolinagirl said...

Wow! Congratulations!

Just Mel said...

Congrats Mete! I am keeping you & yours in my thoughts & prayers. If anyone deserves some good karma it is you. By the way have I told you recently how much I love my extra pretty blog template that this incredible person made for me?

M&Co. said...

Good luck! Y'all will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Billie said...

Hi Mete. I want to let you know how much I apreciate the comments that you leave on my blog. Your words, more than many others, mean so much to me because you UNDERSTAND my feelings of grief. You have been there and lived through it.

I wish I had the words to help give you some comfort and strength when you are feeling down.

I can tell you that I had three very early miscarriages before conceiving Holland and Eden. I was elated during my pregnancy and, like everyone, assumed that everything would be "perfect." But,as you know, it didn't quite turn out like I planned and the past two years have been HARD.

Now, I would desperately like another child, but am terrified to do anything about it. I don't talk about it on my blog because people would think I am crazy and would pass judgements. So, I am telling you. I can relate to the fear and detachment that you feel in this pregnancy. IF I ever decide to try again, I am sure I would feel many of the same emotions.

On the other hand...Congratulations on your pregnancy! Where there is life there is HOPE. Hope is a hard thing for me (and I know for you), but it's just something I can't seem to kick. And I'm glad for that.

I remain hopeful for you and send lots of positive thoughts your way!

Meredith said...

Wow - big congratulations! I am hoping this pregnancy will turn into a very happy one indeed. I remember when I heard the the heartbeat at the week 14 checkup and just cried because I had never gotten that far before.

Pregnancy after miscarriage, in my experience, is kind of a rollercoaster, you never know when you can relax. I hope you can relax!

Frances said...

My God Mete!! Congratulations!

And yeah, not happy, geez - you feel whatever it is you need to feel. I'll be thinking of you.

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