Saturday, December 16, 2006

Coming Out Of the Dark

I lifted my head off the ultrasound table and turned to Jete.

"Well. It isn't dead yet. That's something."

He smirked. "You optimist, you." We both laughed.

Dr. I. came back into the room with the tissues he'd been searching for. "Hey. No laughing in here."

"Sorry," I said, as I wiped the goo from my stomach. "I'm telling bad jokes."

Jete stood up with my coat. "Dark humor."

I mentioned the joke again that night at a friend's house. No laughter then, just sympathetic winces.

Guess you had to be there.


***

Things are progressing so far, I suppose. I'm around 11 weeks now and I've had two quick ultrasounds just to make sure there's still a heartbeat. No science involved with these; they're basically for my own peace of mind.

After Christmas, we go in for the nuchal screening and some added bloodwork to look for genetic defects. Since we've got nothing else to go on, they're working with the assumption that the miscarriage was caused by a genetic problem. They want to be able to tell me as early as possible if there's a chance things might be heading down a similar path.

Although, honestly, I don't think we would change our course of action if there was a "possible" genetic problem. Most of the positives are false results. And even if it was a true issue, what would we do? If something was 100% fatal, with 100% certainty, we'd probably take action. But the gray areas?

Every situation is different, and I can totally understand why someone else would feel the need to take action if their child had a genetic problem and they knew early enough on. But for us... how can have a problem with a disabled or handicapped child? Especially when we already have Ethan? What does that say about him?

Of course, this is all getting way ahead of myself. Let's just wait and see if it will still be alive at the next scan. Then we'll take the step after that. No point in counting my embryos before they hatch.


***

Your comments on my last post made me cry. Seriously. Granted, it doesn't take all that much to make me cry on a normal day, never mind when I'm newly pregnant, but still. I was touched.

I've been watching people lately, online and in real life. I've started to face that the hard edge human beings have, the one that ultimately causes war and strife, runs deep. As a child, I was an idealist, using each birthday candle to wish for World Peace. I hoped that, over time, wars would end around the world. Girls would start being nice to each other on the playground. People would stop being so damn MEAN all the time. After ten years or so, I realized my wishes were never going to come true, so I started using them on more selfish things, like a nice boyfriend to come along.

As I've grown up, I've realized it's never going to stop. As long as someone in the media is mocking Britney Spears or someone at work is gossiping about so-and-so, there will be others to join in. The mobs will gather, the rocks will be thrown. The mud keeps slinging, and it's getting deeper every day. We're all drowning in it.

It makes me really sad how cruel people can be. I try hard to make a conscious efffort not to participate in it, but it gets me sometimes anyway. It makes me wonder if it's not better to just go back into your home and lock the door, and hide from everyone. Leave all the ugliness Out There.

But I've also come to understand that it's not that simple. If you shut yourself off from people completely, you miss out on the goodness they can offer: the kindness, support and good will people can display when they want to. Like your comments on my last post, or the love the world poured out to the Kim family this month. There's got to be a little hope for the world if we can display that much goodness.


***

I'm sure this post seems disjointed, but inside my head it makes perfect sense. Maybe I'm a sentimental pregnant woman, or maybe all that Christmas music is making me sappy. But for the first time in a long time, I'm starting to decide that things don't have to look all that bleak. I'm allowing myself the hope that this new year could be a slightly better one than the last, both for the world at large and my own little corner of it.

I sincerely wish you all a tall glass of Hope this Christmas as well. It's hard to find, but it's delicious.

6 comments:

lisa said...

I'm glad things are continuing to go well. I understand what you mean about cruelty and niceness...I don't get it either. I'm glad you've got hope...it certainly helps to keep us marching down the road!

Meredith said...

That was a really thoughtful post. I am so very glad that things are going so well - I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

What the Kim family went through just makes my heart hurt. They are local and looking at the pictures, even though I didn't know him, I know I know so many people like him. It could have been any one of us. Ugh.

There is a totally tacky movie that had a great line in it. One character was saying something about how if there was no suffering then we wouldn't have empathy or compassion and the other responded, tell that to the suffering. It was a cheesy movie but I had to agree - not in favor of suffering!

Erin said...

Congratulations Mete! I am praying for you.

Stapeliad said...

Hi,
I'm new to your blog but have really enjoyed your writing.

I know what you mean abut the mean-ness- it gets to me as well. I don't get it.

Depressionista said...

Hello,
Over the past couple of weeks I've been reading through your entire blog. I wanted to thank you for sharing your experiences so eloquently.

I also wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss and for all of the struggles you are facing. I so hope that everything continues to go well with this pregnancy.

I have had experiences just like the one you describe with the black humor. I always feel like, hey, if I can joke about my dead baby then couldn't you at least smile?

I've been really moved by your blog and will continue reading it. Thanks for sharing with us!

Andrea said...

Congratulations. here's hoping for 29 healthy, happy weeks.