Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Driftwood

You know how things are with old classmates, or former co-workers?

At one time you were close, forced together in a daily routine that kept your orbits circling round each other. You knew what they ate for lunch on Tuesdays, what their favorite kind of music was, and how they always got annoyed by calls from their mother. If they changed up their routine with a new haircut or sweater, you knew the moment it happened. They didn't need to notify you of the small changes, never mind the major ones, because you were always there, sharing the experience with them, watching from the sidelines.

But things changed. You graduated, got a new job, moved to Kansas, and your relationship had to change. You swore you'd stay in touch. You'd call. You'd write. And you did... for a while. Then it took a few weeks longer to return that email or phone call. Next time, a few months. "We'll get together in the spring," you promised, until summer passed without a single contact. You got busy. You got distracted by your own joys, your own sorrows, and forgot to reach out. Seasons went by. Years. You drifted apart.

From time to time, you think of them, and want to reach out. But now, there is a gulf between you. Not only time, but life has passed. So many things have happened in the months and years since you last spoke. You're overwhelmed by how much you'd have to explain. Is it worth that amount of effort, to rekindle a once comfortable relationship? Where would you begin?

And then you think - Maybe it isn't worth it at all. Maybe we don't have anything in common anymore. Maybe I'm not the same person I was when I knew them anyway. Maybe it's time to just let the relationship go, to accept that it's over.

***

I was reading through old emails last weekend, trying to clean things up and clear out virtual clutter. I saw emails from old co-workers and friends I haven't spoken to in years. Some, almost a decade. Most don't even know I got married, never mind the fact that Ethan exists. They don't know all I've been through in the past few years. Frankly, I don't feel like bringing them up-to-date. I would need a week to bring them up to speed on the past year, never mind the past five.

Lately, I've felt similarly about my blog. It's been six weeks since I last wrote, and it seems like an eternity. I have no energy to read or write or do anything lately. When I can spare a few minutes, do I really want to write a quick story without explaining the context? There is so much I want to say, but as more time passes, there are more gaps to fill in. It overwhelms me, so I give up and go to sleep instead.

Yes, things are fine. There are no major catastrophes or "miracles" to share. Just little things. The daily happenings from a house of chaos.

Thanks to CG's daycare, we've all been sick for about two months straight, including Ethan. Still, he started school and seems to like it. His seizure and GI meds have all been changing. He had a sleep study done. I think his hips are getting worse. Again.

CG graduated from Early Intervention and no longer gets speech therapy. He's sleeping in a big boy bed every night now, but the pacifier is a whole other problem. With all the change in the house, he's become aggressive with his friends at daycare.

We had our 19 week ultrasound, and things went okay this time. We found out the gender of the baby. A week later, I had a bad experience with a different doctor and lost what little confidence I'd mustered up. I'm still being watched like a hawk, which makes me feel better and worse all at the same time.

I've been up, but mostly I've been down. I've gone back into therapy again. I'm trying to climb up from this hole I've fallen into. I'm trying not to let the past drag me down. I'm trying to focus on the little joys, and not get tangled up in the big worries. I'm doing all I can to hold onto hope when the echo of experience tells me not to believe in happy endings.

I miss hope. I miss being able to breathe through my nose. I miss having energy and passion. I miss reading and commenting on blogs. I miss writing. I miss using my blog to get things out of my head, to talk through ideas and share feelings and find out I'm not so alone.

But I know that I needed this break from writing. As I told Bad Experience Doctor, I know my limits. I work full-time. I have a severely disabled child. Ethan has had almost a dozen doctor's appointments and lab visits since January. I've been going to prenatal appointments every other week, plus other appointments that have nothing to do with pregnancy. Plus, I have a husband and a toddler who need their own time and attention. I'm doing the best that I can. And I have no regrets.

Except... maybe, staying up until 11:30 and rambling for a few dozen paragraphs probably wasn't the best decision.

But other than that. Definitely, no regrets.

More to come. At a more reasonable hour, of course.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm here for you - well actually, I'm down the street for you - but same difference right? I'm dead serious when I tell you that you are always welcome to come down and rant, rave, pout, cry, whatever you need to do to feel better!

Kelly said...

I was just thinking about you yesterday.....about how I hadn't "heard" from you in awhile, and I was wondering how you're doing, how the pregnancy's going.

I'm glad there's been some good stuff going on (CG in a bed? WooHoo!), and I hope the springtime coming will help your spirits a bit. As long as you can keep your head above water for now, you'll be able to touch the ground soon. There's always these down times in life. I trust it won't last too long for you!

So, when do we get to know what the baby is? :)

lisa said...

I'm glad to hear from you...you've had a lot going on, no wonder you have no energy to blog. That would overwhelm anyone. Not to sound trite, but hang in there. I'm dying to know what the baby is too!

M&Co. said...

Welcome back, even if it is only for this moment. You've got a lot going on, so come back when you can.

rajdiver said...

Glad to see your post. Even though it's been almost 10 years since we worked together, I'm glad you keep your blog so I can keep up with your life.

Billie said...

Mete,
I've really been missing you!

I am glad to hear that you are alive, and sorry to hear that you are not feeling it.

The only advice that has ever made any sense to me, is to try to take it a day at a time. I know you've heard it before, and it's obviously not rocket science, but sometimes the further you try to look into the future, the more overwhelming it becomes.

So, one day at a time.

Welcome back! And yes, I'll admit that I'm dying to know if it's a boy or a girl, but it's your secret!
Billie

tina said...

We've missed hearing from you, Mete. Keeping you all in my thoughts and wishing you health and happiness.

Liza said...

Thanks for the update, and I know what you mean. Since my most high-maintenance child was born and I got busy learning how to give meds through various tubes, etc., I've pretty much fallen off the face of the "IRL" planet. Then when that kid started to get better, the other two had to go and get pegged with autism spectral issues. Gaaaahhh!
If it is any consolation, I really look forward to your posts, and have been thinking about you, too. I'm very curious as to this non-reassuring doctor thingy you referred to...I'm so hoping that this pregnancy will go okay for you. E-mail me some time if you want to bitch at someone just as asynchronous and thin-spread as you are about healthcare plans, co-pays, life as a socially-crippled recluse, etc. Although that last one might be an assumption on my part based on my own situation. If it's a choice between blogging and sleep, for crying out loud take a nap. But if you're not tired, then more updates would be nice. Hang in there.

Ben & Bennie said...

Absolutely great to hear from you, Mete. You obviously have a lot on your plate but I'd encourage you to share with us from time to time. I think blogging is excellent therapy. I'm typically bad about the winter months (Seasonal Affective Disorder?) but this year has been different having a small community supporting me when the downers hit.

Take care of yourself.

Hostile in Ohio said...

You're not the only one who would rather sleep than post :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mete, you do not know me at all because I have never commented before but I love you blog and I had missed you. As someone with some of your stresses but not even close to as many I can see exactly how you would be finding it hard to get the energy are enthusiasm for writing. All I can say is hang in there, you are doing a fantastic job and I am glad that the pregnancy is progressing well at the moment.
looking forward to hearing your thoughts any time you have a chance. Take care. Fiona

Emily said...

Just thinking about you this afternoon...hoping you are well and taking care of yourself.

Also, hoping the new Spring will bring new joy.

Take care,
Emily

`Koa said...

Mete, I had found your blog randomly, and commented on the entry I had first encountered... good luck finding it, though, because I don't remember it, except that it was explaining the whole Mete/Meat thing... *shrug*. Anyway:

I've been thinking a lot lately about how friends are when time and distance cuts between you and them. I have a friend who moved away, and then got sent overseas, and I've not heard from him nor his family in so long... I wonder if he's dead, and they're just afraid to tell me... I worry a lot about things like that. He was one of my best friends (they usually die or move away, it's awkward when I think about it); I miss him terribly -- him and his family. I think it is worth it to keep starting over; to keep trying after so long, but only if you think they feel the same.

It's hard to live life one day at a time when it comes to trust through past experiences. I'm sorry it's that way, but I'm there with you. Sucks we can't control it, huh?

As for Ethan, have you guys looked into accupuncture or anything like that? I know it may sound awkward, but it's worth a shot, I figure.

`koa

Billie said...

Just missing you...thought I'd drop in and say hello!

lisa said...

Missing you too! Hope you're doing well and that we hear from you soon.

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