Tuesday, June 12, 2007


Hello out there.

I'm still alive. You might have noticed it during my sporadic commenting on your sites now and then. Occasionally I've been moved enough to comment on someone else's thoughts - but I just haven't mustered up the energy to compile my own thoughts in any coherent matter.

This pregnancy has been rough, in more emotional ways than physical I suppose. I never believed or experienced so called "Pregnancy Brain" in my previous pregnancies, but this time it hit me hard. I can't think, I can't speak (is that a song? no clue.) and I even rear-ended someone a month ago while in a complete haze. A friend suggested it's probably the children I already have that are contributing to my absentmindedness, but I have to believe it's all of the people in my crazy life - including the one still cooking.

Depending on whose chart you use, I'm 37 weeks exactly today. Officially full-term, by most accounts. At my last ultrasound, the baby was measuring in the 80th percentile or so - already 6 pounds 11 ounces. Compared to the boys' birth weights (3 lb 14 oz, and 6 lb 3 oz) that sounds amazingly large to me.

On one side of my brain, I'm reassured by these numbers, but only to a point. I still feel a twinge when I tell coworkers that I'll be going on maternity leave soon. I feel like I should leave out the "maternity" part, because - what if? What if something else goes wrong? Even though I'm well past the point that my problems happened with Ethan and #3, and everyone is being super cautious, and I'm being followed with testing twice a week... there's just no "out of the woods" in my world.

I'm off soon for BPP # 3 (or 4, who can keep track) and feel my same combination of calm and nervousness. I can feel the baby moving now, but what if she doesn't cooperate during the test? What if something else shows up that hasn't to this point? What if my BP is up now?

Yes, for those of you paying attention, I said "she". As far as they've been telling us, this baby is a girl. We were very happy to hear that, but honestly no happier than we would have been if they said it was a boy. I could write sixty posts on the ridiculous comments I've received - both positive and negative - regarding baby gender. Yes, I'm excited to have the chance to see the "other" side of parenting now, but I would have been just as excited to have the chance to have three boys. Seriously.



Anyway, I need to start motivating myself and CG to get out the door. This post is all over the place, as is my brain lately, but I make no apologies for that. I also don't apologize for not posting in months. I am not ready to throw this blog away, but I'm also not ready to feel that my life or free time are less important than writing something.

I do miss writing though, which is very cathartic for me. I especially miss the community I've forced myself into, of other parents of children with special needs. No person I've met in "real life" has been able to completely express what I've felt like Billie, or Rob, or the dozens of others I've come to know and love through their brutal honesty. I will continue to stalk them through their blogs as long as they feel like sharing.

And eventually, I will get around to expressing my own feelings again. As much as this pregnancy is a joy, I can't wait to have my brain back again. In 10 or 20 years.


M&Co. said...

I've been thinking about you.

Eliza said...

Thank you for the update.

lisa said...

I'm so glad to hear from you! You are absolutely right, your blog should be for you when the need arises, otherwise it turns into a pointless chore. Your pregnancy sounds like it's going well...as for all the other stuff, well, that just comes with the territory for some people (myself included). Wishing you an easy L&D!

Kelly said...

I had been wondering how far along you are. SO glad to hear from you!

Take months all you want.....but will you take a moment to tell us when you've had her? Pretty please? I'm so anxious!

And yes, I picked up on the "she"...LOL! Yay! I guess I was "secretly" wishing for a girl!

Hope alls well with Jete and the boys :)

Rebecca said...

I'm so glad you finally posted. I've been checkin in every few days hoping to read some news. Yay!. Best of luck.

anne nahm said...

Yay Girl!!! You are almost there - and I have never had any boys, so I am a tad bit biased. But girls are wonderful.

Hostile in Ohio said...

So glad to hear from you! You made it! 37 weeks! I'm happy for you!

Thinking of you and sending joyous gentle birth vibes :-)

Please let us know when you have her, if you can!

lucky girl said...

Thank you do much for your kind words! They mean alot! Congratulations on your little girl!! I hope the next few weeks go by quickly, and comfortablky for you. (If that's possible in this heat!)

tina said...

GREAT to hear from you. Wishing you as easy a delivery as possible and then looking forward to beautiful baby photos!

Billie said...

Whew. I am so glad to hear that the pregnancy is going okay, and that it is a GIRL! Girls are so much fun. Of course, I say that because I have no boys, but I am sure they are great too:)

I've read your comments on other blogs, so I knew that you were still out there, but I was very happy to check in and find a new post. I miss you for the very reasons you listed...you've written many posts and comments that have helped me immensely on my journey.

Thanks! Can't wait to read about the new baby girl...

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you posted and I missed it. Congrats and fingers crossed for a smooth delivery.


Just Me said...

So glad you're back. I found your blog randomly and read beginning to end and was so sad when it ended in February.

You're a fabulous writer and have quite a story to tell. I hope you keep telling as you feel like it.

Kathryn said...

It's great to have an update about how you are. Like Billie, I have noticed you commenting so I was reasured by that. Very exciting to be having a girl. Girls are great. ;-)

Good luck with the labor and delivery. I will be thinking very positive thoughts about you and wishing you the very best experience. I can't wait to read about your new baby girl and possibly even, maybe, pretty please see a picture some day.

I also agree that this blog is for your own sanity. So post when it's good for you. I will be here, checking in and happy to see you posting whenever you can.

Meredith said...

I am glad to hear from you!! Congratulations on your first girl. I have a boy and I used to want a girl and now I know that gender doesn't matter but it might be nice to get some little dresses since you've done the other side.

Jacqui said...

Okay Mete, What is going on? Have you had your daughter yet?


Billie said...

Still here...anxiously awaiting an update:)

Anonymous said...

I hope all is well. Keeping you and yours in my thoughts


Carrie said...

Hoping everything is okay and you're just enjoying your new little one :-) Haven't seen you comment anywhere for a while, so I wanted to check in.

Kevin said...