Tuesday, February 26, 2008

(Not So) Short and (Not So) Sweet

I'm going to try to keep this short.

No. Seriously. Stop laughing.

If I don't keep this short, it will never get posted. It will die a thousand deaths like the dozens of entries I've started and stopped over the past few months because I either 1) lost interest, or 2) fell asleep, or 3) I got... wait - What was that noise? Wait, let me just...

Okay, what was I saying again?

Right. Keeping it short.

There's probably no one out there reading this anyway, what with me dropping off the face of the earth and all. I mean really; out of sight out of mind isn't just for babies. And that's really fine. Because as I've repeated ad nauseum, this writing thing, it's for ME. If someone reads something I've written and it means something to them, well that's a bonus. But the reason I started this blog in the first place was for me to get things out of my head. There's been none of that for the last several months, (MONTHS!) and that's becoming an issue. Because what stays in my head, well... it STAYS in my HEAD. And inside my head? Let's just say it's dark in there.

So - back to keeping it short.

It seems the only way I can keep things short is with bullet points. If I think in paragraphs I start to go off in tangents that I then edit for hours to come. So I think for today bullet points are the way to go. First, a quick update on everyone else in the household, in no particular order:

Jete - Stay-at-home dad extraordinaire for nine months now. Things are going well, but he could stand to get out of the house once in a while. Unfortunately, he hates everything I've suggested from poker nights to kung fu classes. Maybe there's a good bowling league around?

CG - 3-and-a-half-year-old, and good at it. This an interesting age. They kill you with WHY's? and NO!'s and I'M STUPID AT YOU, MOM!'s, and then kill you with sweet innoncence and kindness a moment later. No longer a baby; I can see "kid" right around the corner.

Em - 8 months old. EIGHT. Gummy grin has been replaced by five teeth already. You know those rumors about babies who have big doe "cartoon" blue eyes and fat Gerber-quality cheeks, who sleep though the night from six weeks old and are happy all the time? THEY'RE TRUE.

Ethan - Oh, Ethan, you're a dozen posts unto yourself. All in all, he's doing well, with a bit more drama over the past year than we'd have liked. Changes to his seizure treatments, pneumonia scares, new body jacket, AFO runarounds, insurance changes - AGAIN, and did I mention the sleep study? The biggest issue on the horizon is another hip surgery. Unfortunately, his right hip didn't set as well as the left during the major surgery he had three years ago, and it's displacing. We'd let it be for a while, except he's starting to be uncomfortable during range of motion, so it's something we'll have to address in the next six to nine months.

Me - Yeah, well, it's all about me, isn't it? In case you forgot, I'm both the special AND the needy around here.

I'm doing better now than I was a few months ago. Life, PPD or PTSD; I'm never really sure. What I'm trying to accept is that a big part of what's wrong with me today is tied to my experiences six years ago. I'd love to shrug it off, but I just can't separate from that. I have dreams reliving my emergency surgery. I get a whiff of that horrible medical latex and I'm back in the NICU, at his incubator, waiting for an update, trying to figure out what went wrong.

So much about this time of year brings me back; the cold, wet dreariness day in and day out. The lack of warmth, and sunlight, and hope. I was on bedrest in December, he was born in January, and came home in February. Every year since, the winter has been hard. Add in the post-partum/post-nursing hormone shifts, a few viruses and a lack of sleep, and it's downright ... well, depressing.

In my experience, I've found both depression and anxiety to be diseases of selfishness. When I'm most depressed, most ridden with anxiety, all I can think about is me. Woe is me. What's wrong with me? I hate me. Everyone else hates me... You get the picture. As a result, everyone suffers. I'm a rotten friend, a bad wife, and a mediocre mother. And I'm not too nice to myself either.

The good news is, spring is coming. I'm taking steps to make things better, to be selfish in a healthy way. Writing here is one of those steps. I'm going to try to write more often (maybe once a month?) for my own benefit. I have a feeling I'm going to need it over the next few months.

Until then - as CG insists every time he has a cup: Salud!


Kelly said...

So glad to see you in print, friend. I took about 4 months off myself. Glad the baby's doing well, and everyone, it seems. Past the terrible twos? Hooray!

I'm all for just writing for YOU. It's a Good thing. Sometimes I wish I were so fortunate, as I have to blog for me AND all my relatives and such. I'm glad to hear you'll try to write more, because I'm one of your so-called "bonuses" and I even got into this therapy session after seeing you do it.

And that's one thing I would say to you: even if you never want to write again, PLEASE don't take down your blog. It's a wealth of information for those of us going through the same thing. The kind of information (ie: rants) that doctors don't give you. It's the reality of life, and I'm thankful I had you when that big-bad diagnosis came down. I needed the dirty details--not the sticker price.

Look forward to "seeing" you again soon :)

Eliza said...

Thank you for updating us all, faithful commenters and lurkers alike, on how YOU are doing. I'm doing the "woe is me" dance right now, and you're right, it IS selfish. PTSD, feeling you've failed your children at genetic or medical ways beyond your control; it bites the big one. Writing helps. Don't quit.

Kathryn said...

Mete - I just got the most wonderful surprise when I clicked half heartedly over to your blog (half heartedly because you haven't been around for a bit - as you know).

I am really glad your 8 month old is sleeping through the night. I remember those hormones too because I pumped for a year and a half for Ellie and it took another 6 months after that to be done with them. They suck. Glad you are taking steps to do things that make you feel better.

I am having all the families in Ellie's class over here on March 22 at 1:30. Is it totally unrealistic to ask you to come. All the kids have had hard starts and CP, etc. The parents are great. No one bats and eye at g-tube feeds, medical equipment, etc. Your all invited if you want to come. There will be a ton of food and lots of toys around. Was thinking of asking. I know you have a big family and this would be a huge deal to get everyone out of the house. But I wanted to invite you anyway.

M&Co. said...

Welcome back! Margaret

annenahm said...

*hugs* Glad to see you back.

Billie said...

Glad to read an update...I've certainly missed you and continue clicking periodically just in case:)

I was totally planning on writing a post on depression, and how selfish and self-centered it can be. You beat me to it! I've been in quite a low low place myself lately. I swear, even when I hear about bad things happening to other people, there is some way that I can turn it around and make it about me. I hate that. I don't want to be that way. I suppose the first step in making it better though, is acknowledging it.

I've got a call list for tomorrow (it's quite long these days since I can't find the energy to do much of anything). I WILL call and make an appointment with a therapist, and I WILL go and I WILL ask about trying medication...again.

I love reading what you write, as often or as infrequently as you feel like writing it:)


Kate said...

It's so good to see you back to writing again! I've lurked for a long time and check in on you from time to time, hoping against hope that you've shared what's on your mind once more.

I'm sorry Ethan will need another hip surgery. My youngest is still in the hospital (2 weeks and counting) after his 3rd brain surgery in 10 months, so I feel I can relate to a lot of what you write. You're real, and honest, and I love to read your blog because of it. I hope you keep writing for a long time to come!

Hostile in Ohio said...

I'm still checking in to see how you're doing. Though I'm as bad about checking blogs as I am about writing mine!

I haven't posted since January...but we're still trying to resolve all the issues.

My daughter has seizures...or seizure like acitivty that the neuro isn't convinced are seizures. I have a hard time believing that a 19 month old can fake them AND make the EEG abnormal. The neuro thinks metabolic or chromosomal disorder.

My son has done well with his IEP, but now has issues with his hips and legs. Long story short, they are starting to talk possible surgery for the legs.

Leaving you with this: All kids are special. Mine were just sprinkled with a little extra specialness. It's kind of like powdered sugar...tasty, but just plain messy.


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