iPain

I have a tendency to associate odd songs with people or moments in my life. Case in point: Ethan's theme song. Forever I will think of his strength when I hear that song, even if it was written with another meaning in mind.

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

At the same time, Evanescence's My Immortal also reminds me of Ethan - but in a different way. On hearing it the first time, I was immediately brought back to the pain and grief I felt at "losing" Ethan - the figurative death of our much anticipated, and much loved, neurotypical child.

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When I was pregnant with CG, I became attached to The Reason by Hoobastank. It touched on my lingering pain about Ethan and myself and all we'd been through, and how I was becoming refocused with this new chance at life.

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

The morning of my c-section, we had to be at the hospital at the crack of dawn, so I put VH1 on to help wake me up. This video was the last one I saw before we left. Fitting, I think.

Since my miscarriage, I've heard a few songs that I think will be permanantly ingrained in my memory as representative of this time in my life. On the way home from the D&E, we had to stop at CVS to get a prescription filled. While Jete ran into the store, I sat in the car listening to music, and heard What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts.

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

This past summer, I frequently caught this video on CMT while getting ready for work in the morning. Being a sappy hormonal pregnant woman, it always made me cry. At the time, I equated the song to the story in the video: a young girl singing about her boyfriend's sudden death. But suddenly, in a dirty parking lot, it became about my own loss instead. Yet another loss of "what could have been".

On the way to work the other day, I heard Kelly Clarkson's Behind These Hazel Eyes and was surprised to find myself crying. The song had never upset me before, but like everything else in my life, things just seemed different.

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

The lyrics seemed to echo the running commentary in my mind lately. As much as I tried to stay distant, tried to take the "wait and see" approach, I couldn't. I let myself believe things could be okay this time. Someone left the window open and that damn bird flew in again.

I hate birds.