Tuesday, September 19, 2006

iPain

I have a tendency to associate odd songs with people or moments in my life. Case in point: Ethan's theme song. Forever I will think of his strength when I hear that song, even if it was written with another meaning in mind.

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

At the same time, Evanescence's My Immortal also reminds me of Ethan - but in a different way. On hearing it the first time, I was immediately brought back to the pain and grief I felt at "losing" Ethan - the figurative death of our much anticipated, and much loved, neurotypical child.

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When I was pregnant with CG, I became attached to The Reason by Hoobastank. It touched on my lingering pain about Ethan and myself and all we'd been through, and how I was becoming refocused with this new chance at life.

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

The morning of my c-section, we had to be at the hospital at the crack of dawn, so I put VH1 on to help wake me up. This video was the last one I saw before we left. Fitting, I think.

Since my miscarriage, I've heard a few songs that I think will be permanantly ingrained in my memory as representative of this time in my life. On the way home from the D&E, we had to stop at CVS to get a prescription filled. While Jete ran into the store, I sat in the car listening to music, and heard What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts.

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

This past summer, I frequently caught this video on CMT while getting ready for work in the morning. Being a sappy hormonal pregnant woman, it always made me cry. At the time, I equated the song to the story in the video: a young girl singing about her boyfriend's sudden death. But suddenly, in a dirty parking lot, it became about my own loss instead. Yet another loss of "what could have been".

On the way to work the other day, I heard Kelly Clarkson's Behind These Hazel Eyes and was surprised to find myself crying. The song had never upset me before, but like everything else in my life, things just seemed different.

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

The lyrics seemed to echo the running commentary in my mind lately. As much as I tried to stay distant, tried to take the "wait and see" approach, I couldn't. I let myself believe things could be okay this time. Someone left the window open and that damn bird flew in again.

I hate birds.

8 comments:

bubandpie said...

I'm so sorry. (I clicked over here from Beanie Baby and I've been lurking for a week or two. I hope that's okay - I don't want to trespass on your grief.)

When I had my miscarriage (earlier and less traumatic than yours) the song that stayed with me began "So you sailed away / Into a grey sky morning..." Whenever I hear that song I think of that little one.

Billie said...

Mete,
I am especially hormonal this week, and I swear I cry at every sad song on the radio. Even reading the lyrics you posted, and thinking of Ethan made me cry. Jeez. I can't seem to get it together.

The song that most brings back feelings from my pregnancy is "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. The meaning has completely changed for me after my girls were born, and I cannot listen to that song without sobbing.

Eden's special song is "Wonder: by Natalie Merchant...

O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She'll make her way

I try very hard to keep the faith. It's that pesky bird you speak of...

Billie said...

Sorry, that was too much about me...

The message I was meaning to deliver is that I feel for you, and although our circumstances are different, on some level I can relate.

Mete said...

bubandpie - You're always welcome here. I'd hardly call any miscarriage "less traumatic". I think they change us all, no matter the circumstances. That song always makes me sad, too.

Billie - I can totally relate. "Wonder" gets me every. time. It makes me think of Ethan. He is gifted, in his own way, and he is a wonder, even if he isn't physically "perfect" - whatever that means.

"I Hope You Dance" also makes me cry. Initially, I think of my kids, and teaching them to enjoy their lives no matter what. But then I think of myself too, and wonder if I'm doing enough to "dance" and enjoy my own life. Lead by example I guess.

Lisa said...

It's hard to not have hope when we want something badly. But it hurts so bad when our hopes are dashed. I understand...

Hostile in Ohio said...

The song that means the most to me is one I've heard at strategic times relating to pregnancies, miscarriages, and deliveries...

The Impossible by Joe Nichols. http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/nichols-joe/the-impossible-7441.html

"Sometimes the things you think could never happen/Happens just like that
...
I've learned to never underestimate/The impossible"

I first heard it when I found out that SOMEHOW I was pregnant with Mr. Miracle...then again when he was born early...then when we found out about his needs...then each time I miscarried...and then when I got the tests back on Princess Kitten...

I also heard it that Sunday evening before I went to the hospital Monday and ended up near death and delivering Princess nearly 2 months early...when I believed so surely that it was IMPOSSIBLE that I would go early...

That song not only opens the window to that stupid bird, but it sometimes also rips the feathers off of it...

I cry everytime I hear that song...for the joy that those impossible things bring and for the unending sorrow...

Brooke said...

Thanks for the note...
My level was 164 for the one hour...what was yours? Or do you remember?
I'm going on Monday for the 3 hour test....I don't know how long it will be before I get the results...I have an OB appt the next day anyway...if I'm lucky the result will be in then....but I'm not holding my breath!

V said...

I am so sorry about your loss. I pop into your blog now and again (did not know you read mine) but obviously have not been on for a while. I am really sorry.

Whan I am sad I listen to Angel by Robbie Williams. Yeah I know he is not everyone's cup of tea and the song is probably overrated but I like the words anyway. I also listen to Fly by Celine Dion. Nither of these artists are favourites of mine but I like the songs.